Watch Your Mouth On Draft Day

Let’s play a game. We’ll call it Finish the Vulgar Draft Day Phrase. (Kids, ask your parents for help.)

1. “You son of a—“

2. “You piece of—“

3. “You mother—“

4. “How about you turn that draft board sideways and stick it straight up your—“

… Did you guess them all right? I bet you did. You potty-mouth.

I heard each of those phrases, and so many more R-rated insults that aren’t fit to print, countless times during my home league’s draft this weekend. Heck, I might’ve even said one a time or two. Or 12. Just not to the commissioner.

In all my years of playing fantasy football, nothing has captured the spirit of this wonderfully dumb game quite like the sounds of grown adults—with real jobs and bills and sometimes even children who depend on them—losing their freaking minds because someone else drafted the player they wanted to draft. Every snipe followed by an automatic, involuntary, dirty word salad straight out of a Quentin Tarantino movie. And then a lot of laughs.

I’ve had some of the biggest belly laughs of my life while sitting at a table covered in laptops and appetizers, listening to the chaos that comes from a player getting snatched away a few picks sooner than some people hoped. Someone was so sure their draft darling was going to fall to them. They’d studied the ADP! They’d compared it to their preferred rankings! They’d done dozens of mock drafts, for cryin’ out loud! And yet, it didn’t work out the way they planned. 

This year, a few player selections caused major crash-outs in my home league:

• Ladd McConkey at 2.09. Our league is pretty diverse when it comes to NFL fandom. We have some Packers fans, a Bears fan, a 49ers fan, and even a diehard Chargers fan—They do exist! Well, the Chargers fan got proverbially punched in the mouth by the Bears fan with this pick. And it clearly left a mark, because the San Diego native spent the rest of the draft reaching on every single Chargers player—past or present—they could get their hands on. (Too bad none of them will come anywhere close to Ladd’s production.)

• TreVeyon Henderson at 5.07. The rookie running back became one of the fastest risers in all of fantasy football thanks to some dynamite preseason performances, but perhaps the biggest rise was the one he got from everyone in the back half of the fifth round when his name came off the board. Frankly, this pick looks more like a steal with each passing hour and could very well be THE pick of the draft.

• RJ Harvey at 5.11. I felt proud to have the insults and groans sent my way this time after scooping up the new “joker” in Sean Payton’s offense. Kendall and Adam recently debated Henderson vs Harvey on their SiriusXM show, but I’m just glad I came away with one of them.

• Rashee Rice at 6.10 and Ricky Pearsall at 6.11. This was the ultra rare double snipe, aka “the chain reaction snipe.” The guy who drafted Pearsall got sniped on Rice, and his resulting tailspin sent him into the arms of one my absolute favorite players this year, who I was positive I would get three picks later. (Don’t worry, I’m already workshopping a trade offer in which I’ll drastically overpay to get Slick Rick on my team.)

• Quinshon Judkins at 9.03 and Jerome Ford at 10.08. Apparently the entire league wanted a taste of this very dubious and potentially gross backfield except for me. I’m absolutely terrified to draft any Cleveland running back, especially Judkins, so they can have ‘em!

• Keon Coleman at 9.10. Clearly my leaguemates listen to Ian Hartitz, and ya know what? Good for them! But I wish they wouldn’t have just this once, because I wanted “the second-year contested-catch artist expected to see the most fantasy-friendly end-zone and downfield opportunities” at the next pick. Oh well. C’est la vie, mother–